As a follow-up to my controversial defense of the keytar attempt to get people to stop complaining in comments that they can’t buy a keytar and excuse to needle Roland again.

This is CDM reader Billy Hunt. The bright spot in the upper right hand of the screen is fire — a fireball launched from his keytar. Billy modded his Roland AX-7 for wireless MIDI control (okay, logical, practical choice there) and added a “gun that shoots flash paper” (not so typical).

Billy writes:

It is the best instrument ever. Shooting flames out of your keytar while you use the infared beam to make it squeal like a pig makes the girls want you, and the men want to be you.

Billy is in the band Straight Punch to the Crotch with Buddy — the dummy you see on the right, which itself is MIDI-enabled. Billy describes Buddy as “a midi dummy with drum triggers in his head, shoulders, and (of course) crotch.” I’m hoping Billy will someday present an academic paper at the NIME conference on “Musical Applications of Tactile Sensitive Anatomy Sensing: Dummy Crotch Punching.”

CDM doesn’t very often print retractions, but I think it’s time for one. As a number of you pointed out in hilariously frank fashion, keytars are indeed not cool. So, here’s my Official Correction: flame-shooting keytars are cool — provided they’re in the right hands.

We’ve learned many things through this week’s Keytar Controversy:

1. Keytar aficionados don’t like the term “keytar,” preferring the more-dignified term “strap-on.” This is analogous to the Star Trek fan deciding neither “Trekkie” nor “Trekker” accurately describes their devotion, suggesting instead “penis.”

2. Normal, non-strappable keyboards and pianos actually are cool. Really. You can play keyboards just like that. (Who knew? I thought my piano teachers were trying to tell me something.)

3. In the Chinese and Japanese markets, keytars are preferred by girls. I will extrapolate from this that while I would look really dorky playing a keytar (I don’t own one, despite allegations from readers and bloggers), many girls look super cute with them.

4. Readers here are split between loving and hating the keyta– uh, strap-on. No one has neutral feelings about them. I think that tells you the real reason why they can’t be made any more.

The best part of the debate comes in the blog post Keytars Are Still Lame, with this visual aid:

There’s just one problem. Ray Charles is a great reason to learn the piano. But hand Ray Charles a keytar, and suddenly the keytar is cool. And that’s the point, isn’t it?

Yes, just in time for the summer grilling season. Hercules — known in the 80s for their video cards and more recently as makers of a rather flimsy DJ controller — have introduced a toy-like wireless DJ controller. As a serious “controller,” it’s not much good; it’s only slightly evolved from remote control. As a toy, though, it’s quite cute and I imagine someone would have some fun with it.

Plug a receiver into USB on your Windows PC, and the Hercules controller wireless manipulates included DJ software. Two LCD screens show which MP3/Windows Media WMA track is playing, and there are controls for two-channel mixing and jog wheels for very basic scratching. It’s just over a pound, even with batteries. Apparently for amusing friends, family, children, and pets, there are even sound effects (applause, loops). Hercules promises “House parties, BBQs and family functions will be even more fun than ever.”

Silly as this gadget may be, I’d love to see a serious music controller that’s simple, wireless, lightweight, and battery-powered. So who says you can’t learn something from Hercu–

Augh! My hands were slippery with barbeque sauce and I dropped my wireless DJ controller! It’s on fire! Mmmm … burning plastic.

Wireless DJ Mixing Controller (actual product name, apparently composed from Google keywords; European product site so it says “whilst”)
Via FutureMusic.com, who don’t like things that are white and respond in general, “Yeesh!!”

Not sure about North America, but in the UK it’s £59.00 Inc Vat.

Okay, safety first. Casio says:

Due to a manufacturing defect, certain CTK-710 keyboards may present a smoke and/or fire hazard, which could result in serious injury or property damage. No reports of injuries have been received by Casio to date. Casio is aware of five incidents of overheating, including two incidents that resulted in a fire. There have been two reports of property damage.

See Casio recall.

Now, since I know there’s a fairly strong pyromaniac streak among CDM readers, let’s enjoy this for a moment: Flaming. Casio. Keyboards. Note: this is not an endorsement of such reckless behavior. Burning Casio keyboards are probably more toxic than doing yoga exercises on top of your local incinerator plant, and fire has a dangerous tendency to … burn things. But a little tip: if you have one of these that is overheating, and don’t feel like shipping it back to Casio, try eBay. Why? Musicians love fire:

Flame-shooting Toaster Guitar Amps
Richard Devine Beats a Flaming Keyboard with a Bat
Pyrophone: Flaming Sound Organ Powered by Propane and Max/MSP

The keyboard has MIDI, so you can hook it up to your flammable Dell or Apple PowerBook 5300 laptop.

Custom electric violin builder E.F. Keebler goes a little over the top with instruments like his Inferno. Pimp my violin, indeed: this is the first acoustic instrument I’ve ever seen that I can confidently say is NOT street legal. Take a look at these specs:

1. 79 LEDs in the fingerboard in a flame pattern, reponsive to motion and playing
2. 92 LEDs on the side for a flickering-flame effect, also responsive to music
3. 12 additional flame lights
4. Custom flame shell with custom engraving and airbrushing
5. Pewter sculpted devil’s head, designed by the late fantasy artist James Lane Casey
6. Laser-powered eyes and a spark-shooting mouth

E.F. Keebler Violins

You’ll pay a few grand for all the options, but it’s not just for show: Keebler’s designs are customized for playability, too. But, for you DIY types, you just have to appreciate the guts inside:

That’s just the beginning: electric violins are a must-have for music students, rockers, and (for some reason) crossover classical women wearing latex catsuits:

Roxio has posted more details on Toast 7, the update to the venerable CD burning app for the Mac (check out Hear It!):

New & improved in Toast 7 [Roxio]

As a guest wisely commented on my previous story, there’s plenty here for audio users: “Very hefty stuff… the audio DVD is tops… nothing else can do this on the Mac.”

Plenty is new, but here are the reasons I’ll upgrade:

Coming by August 31; US$69 upgrade or $99 new. That anonymous reader found it even cheaper at Buy.com.

Previously on CDM: New features in Toast (Mac) and Pyro (PC)

How do you update something as seemingly simple as CD burning in the year 2005? Pyro and Toast are adding lots of extras, like a quick cell phone ring creator (Pyro) and video features (Toast).

First, a look at Windows: Pyro 5 is a feature-packed tool from our friends at Cakewalk, with new ringtone creation and delivery (easier ripping and export right from the disc), disc burning and ripping enhancements, improved audio editing right in the program, enhanced support for portable players, and more. Best of all, it’s only US$39.95. Steve Thomas from Cakewalk suggests it as a stocking stuffer. (Obviously, that comment was geared at the print publications, planning their December issues, but I’m all for hanging stockings in August if it means I get prezzies!)

Pyro 5 for Windows

Roxio’s Toast 7 Titanium is all about HD: make HD slideshow DVDs from your iPhoto library, convert DivX to DVD, and more. Audio mastering seems to have been forgotten here, though it does have an intriguing iTunes feature: “50 hours of music on a DVD, and enjoy on-screen menus for navigation to your favorite song, automatic “SmartLists,” Shuffle play, and Hollywood-style Dolby sound—with integrated, fast, and easy access to your iTunes library.” US$99.95.

Roxio [site not updated at press time]

Should you upgrade? Pyro 5 has some great features for music, with an elegant interface and lots of audio-centric features; I can’t wait to try it. And the price is right. Toast looks more useful for video than audio, but I’ve used it for all kinds of quick video tasks. Stay tuned . . .

Here at CDM, we've covered instruments powered by flames,
but not necessarily instruments set aflame. This one is just too
painful to watch. At a party hosted by Native Instruments,
Windows-powered keyboard maker Open Labs encouraged DJ Richard Divine
to destroy their NeKo keyboard, supposedly to demonstrate how rugged it
is. So Rick D responded by setting the NeKo on fire. Apparently that
did nothing, as the keyboard plays on in the video. Until he hit it. Hard. With a baseball bat. Several times.

I had to avert my eyes. Um, Open Labs, next time can you just give it to me instead?

Via Music Thing. I think Dave may be a guitarist, if he has a stomach for watching this happen to a keyboard.

Robotic guitars are cool, but you know what you really want: a
propane-powered flame organ. Yes, as it turns out, enormous plumes of
fire can produce pitched and unpitched sound. (Hint: it's loud.) This
is a digital music site, mind you, so of course I've selected Eric Singer's
Pyrophone, which can be MIDI controlled; Max/MSP is the app of choice
and was adapted into a musical game of Simon, on a large, pyrotechnic
scale. Sure, the instrument isn't exactly "street legal" and I believe
the Madagascar Institute
(motto: 'fear is never boring') got in a bit of trouble with the NYPD
– but then, the term "fire hazard" would be a bit of an
understatement, huh? [ Watch the Video ]

By the way, I hope you enjoy the fun we're having. Next week is Pro Tools LE week. Really. Pro Tools LE, all week long.