MIDI Optional, Glowing Green Bars Standard

I know what you were thinking during the silent news week as I was on vacation: “if only . . .”

If only someone would release a synth based entirely on vacuum and gas-filled tubes. No pretty sine waves, mind you: only saw, square, and square with suboctave. And a filter sweep controlled by a photoresistor. And a joystick that tunes, triggers, and modulates. And glowing green bars that show voltage levels.

And the name should involve vomiting, somehow.

If that hasn’t made you afraid (yet strangely intrigued), all this madness comes from Metasonix, who gave us the TX-2 Butt Probe effect, built with what they called “s*****y tubes.”

Ladies and germs, I give you the Wretch Machine from Metasonix. Currently in prototype form, but expected next year for US$2500. A MIDI-CV interface will be an optional add-on for $300. Now you can use your precious, new-fangled MIDI. Full specs after the break; more on this story as it hurls in. (Thanks, Michael!)

Here’s your typical PR hype: “because guitarists deserve, and WANT, some anus-stretching.” (We know computer musicians, remix artists, drummers, keyboardists, etc. do, too.) The Metasonix Butt Probe — sorry, the “TX-2″ — is a $549, hand-made, hand-painted tube-based distortion effect, complete with fist, ream, and scre parameters.

Tube-based so that it has a lovely, warm, rich, high-quality sound, right? Wrong. Tube based so it can suck as hard as tech can. According to Eric from Metasonix, the unit uses “three type 4BN6 beam modulator devices. They were intended for
use in crummy TV sets as FM detectors, and were NOT meant
for audio processing applications. They SUCK. Really, really, badly.” (See photos, and yes, normally tubes rock.)

There’s so much more to say about the Butt Probe. I could point out that, due to limited quantities of those s****y tubes, there will only be 100 of these audio-f***ing units. I could muse about why artist Sarah Combs, the creator of the lewd but somehow alien butt probe exterior, is otherwise fixated on adorable (if well-endowed) cat people. But I certainly can’t make this the butt of any jokes. Eric beat me to all the lewd humor. Thus, I’ll break normal CDM policy and run the press release. Press people, take note: your PR could read like this, instead of the breathless drivel you normally send us. (Or, you could experiment more with Butt Probes — I mean, TX-2s.) Read more for the release and closeup of the tubes on the Butt Probe . . .

We’re going to need a “Where are they now?” edition for bizarre instrument design projects. Case in point: the Drum Buddy. Reader “fer” writes, succinctly, “wassup with this?”

The answer, fer, is wassup indeed. This strange light-powered instrument had its fifteen seconds of fame on the Music Thing blog last summer, but its whereabouts now are more mysterious.

According to its creators, the Drum Buddy “represents the future of electronic instruments.” If so, we have a future of pulsing, noisy oscillators-gone-awry played by the likes of Miss Pussycat “and her puppets.” For its part, the Drum Buddy itself uses light sensors and analog components, packed into a 40-lb. Russian Birch cabinet and outputing in glorious mono. The limited run of 44 units at US$999 is now over. If you’re bummed you missed that run, they do tease us with the possibility of mass production. (Who do you think — M-Audio or Edirol?) If you don’t believe they sold any, they do provide an owner list. If you’re in New Orleans, do ask Chef Menteur how it’s working out. (And stay away from Autopsy Assistant Dirk in Germany.)

Of course, what we really need to do is track down Quintron and Miss Pussycat, the musicians apparently behind the mayhem. You can see them in Drum Buddy, the movie, but amazingly the group is touring Boston at the same time I am. May be the same night as the CDM party I’m planning, but my suggestion is we either get drunk before seeing Quintron, or afterwards (not sure which we’ll need, but probably one of them).

Anyone with information related to Quintron, the Drum Buddy, or whoever those puppets are, please do write. And the rest of you . . . stay tuned.

Spherical harmonic modulation of a globe with vertices that produces unusual additive synthesis? I’m already sold — and then I read the kicker: the experimental plug-in Harmonical can also blow your speakers. Now this is a must-have.

Okay, before you get too excited: yes, you can blow your speakers with any loud signal. And while Harmonical’s unpredictible results earned it a passionate post on KVR declaring “beware!”, really you should have a limiter on your master out for safety all the time — especially when test-piloting dodgy plug-ins.

But back to my original point — when reader Adrian Anders sends me “spherical synthesis” plug-ins with the potential to destroy things, and the KVR thread warning of that potential danger includes references to BOTH Dukes of Hazzard and I Love Genie, it’s a good day. It’s a very good day.

If you’re in NYC, you definitely won’t want to miss the Bent festival of circuit-bending music at The Tank on 42nd Street. Each day of the festival this week features workshops on how to warp common electronics from Walkmans to Game Boys into new musical instruments, and concerts of many of the leading musical practitioners of this art form.

By the way, signs I’m getting bogged down by writing work and a book that’s months overdue? How about when the UK-based MusicThing is on top of the Bent Circuit Bending festival before the (cough, cough!) NYC-based CDM that’s had this sitting in my inbox for a week. When MusicThing has a photo of my friend Patrick McCarthy (guitarist) right on the homepage, I know I’m behind!

That said, I will engineer a jailbreak soon to get out there and check some of this out, especially since is The Tank’s swansong before the space gets hit with a wrecking ball. (Ah, NYC progress.) What are deadlines, anyway?

For more information on circuit bending if you’re in the rest of the world that’s not New York, check out Reed Ghazala’s excellent Anti-Theory site.

Straight from the files of "Looks-like-an-April-Fool's-but-it's-real":

From owlProject: The Log1k and iLog are instruments built from logs. (via near near future) The Log1k
is a log with a gearbox motor that spins wooden disks to produce
rhythmic noises, complete with "touch-sensitive switches" — wait, as
opposed to non touch-sensitive switches? Don't forget the flat panel
display. (It's a blank opaque flat panel that lights up, in other
words. But it is flat.) The iLog
is a new portable version with the same wooden toggle switches. The
iLog records samples, but much of the sounds have to do with "the bare
sound of electricity." And how does it sound? Completely terrible. But you know, in a good way, if you're into woodland noise art. (Is that a baby crying in the second video? Nothing like log instruments for terrorizing children.)

And, as if that weren't strange enough, the same team of Simon Blackmore and Antony Hall has created an instrument out of a lathe (scroll down to see it), with sensors to pick up the sounds of woodworking. Quoth Hall and Blackmore: "From a practical point of view, the lathe can easily produce truly round objects." Something that cannot be said of the latest USB keyboards from Edirol.

Tired of the lead vocalist in your hardcore thrash death metal band? Why not replace him or her with a parrot?

Yes, it's Hatebeak,
the band with a parrot (literally) singing — make that "savaging you
with feathers of razored steel." (I've heard a few folk
singer-songwriters who also fit that description, but I digress.) Where
else could you find tunes like "Bird Bites, Dog Cries," "Beak of
Putrefaction," or "Bird Seeds of Vengeance." The sound is best
described as, um, just go listen to the MP3.

Reptilian Records is also lucky enough to have signed Caninus, which
features two pitbulls — Budgie and Basil — so if you're a dog lover,
you can get that on 7" vinyl, too. Thanks, Kamala, for the tip!

Gizmodo scoops CDM today for latest riot-control technology with the Sonic Devastator (though, um, some spelling issues with the product?) This ain't just for your German punk band, kids: it's a real DIY weapon.

Create an ultrasonic blast capable of "inducing intense pain and
discomfort in humans and animals." Oh, and it even has adjustable
filter sweeps. Buy it assembled for US$300 or, better yet, get digital
plans for US$20.