Updated: Let me sum this up. Ableton may or may not have a vocoder in the works (signs actually do point to yes on that). The best part of this story is the remixed “no one needs a vocoder” video, which encapsulates electronic music’s current love/hate/cliche relationship with the thing. And other than that, there’s a lot of me talking without really have any idea what I’m talking about — which is why I usually don’t post on Sundays. Doh. Just watch the video / sample it in your next Live set.

I haven’t necessarily been following Live’s forums lately, but apparently one of the hot-button issues lately was a rumored "secret" vocoder in a future build of Ableton Live. The myth goes something like this: a camera crew doing a behind-the-scenes look at Ableton’s Berlin office accidentally captures a brief moment in which an unreleased vocoder appears in the bottom part of the screen. I’ve been hearing buzz about this for weeks, but Garret Collins is the latest.

I actually really recommend the Inside Ableton MusoTalk video (German); it’s a great little feature. But, of course, the hint of something new in Live has now upstaged that original video.

Live fans go even further, so that the Vocoder — hang on, it’d need a simpler Ableton-y name, like … uh … Carrier or Encoder — is part of a massive conspiracy by which Ableton keeps you from getting the bezier-curve envelopes you really want. (Side note: I prefer Catmull splines, myself.) And it turns out David Zicarelli was on the grassy knoll working for the CIA, or something. (Another side note: I just got to link to Geocities! And it’s still running!)

It seems zany, but then this is the week when the mainstream computer tech blogosphere is speculating about the likelihood of Microsoft switching to spherical interfaces. (Look out, Apple "i"! And will that get people high, like the sphere in Woody Allen’s Sleeper?)

No One Needs a Vocoder - Henke

Okay, I digress. The really amazing thing is this comes up today, again, when shortly after the original video was widely debunked earlier this year. Here’s the problem: just a few days after the video, Ableton co-founder Robert Henke had this to say about vocoders — hilariously:

Forget all my blathering on about the Sharper Image Beamz thing, because this video says it better than I possibly could. No, it’s not the video you’ve seen already. Think Beamz gone experimental — and keep watching until about :30. (Thanks to Chachi and Matt for this one.)

It’s official: Beamz has become stuff of Web legendz. I can haz alternative interface, or whatever.

Since it’s now April 2, the music technology April Foolishness has been revealed for what it is.

Composer/educator Steve Horelick provided a sneak glimpse of future functionality in an “unreleased” version of Apple’s Logic Pro:

Logic 303: Logic TNT

… although I wouldn’t be surprised to see Region Animation in a future version of FL “Fruity Loops” Studio.

Moog Music claimed to introduce a Moog guitar in a video teaser segment — that video appears to still be up. Personally, I thought this wasn’t as classic as the Moogerfooger MF-433’s “pure analog silence” — but some people did think it was real. (Hmmm… a guitar with built-in Moogerfooger effects, perhaps?) Don’t miss the MF-433 reviews, though.

Update: Okay, one slight correction on the Moog story. Did I say April Fool’s joke? That may be April Fool’s actual real product announcement. Then again, what’s real? Maybe Moog Music isn’t real, either. Ummm…

The best Moog gag of the day, though, was the Minimalmoog, as seen on Matrixsynth. I love “THE OSCILLATOR.” Ubercoolische, my friend.

Not to be outdone, Clavia introduced the Clavia Left Lead, for left-handed people.

Most amusing of all: Sweetwater’s faux vocalist plug-in, as released to CDM, was criticized for being too feasible. Yes, folks, technology has progressed to the point that readers fully expect to see a plug-in that replaces your vocalist. Well, or maybe that says something about the opinion you have of your vocalist. Point taken.

Updated: from comments, MusicRadar came up with the MusicMask, which reads facial expressions. Again, I wouldn’t be surprised if someone did something real along the same lines. (I was just fiddling with a new facial recognition library for Processing. Okay, I’ll stop…)

Thanks to Matrixsynth for being on top of all the 4/1 stuff. And yes, I will commit here and now: at some point during 2008, CDM will slip fake news into RSS on a day that isn’t April Fool’s, just to see who’s paying attention. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Updated again: This is my favorite yet: multi-sampled, multi-mic ReFill for Reason, “Reason Accordions.” Thanks to Wax in comments.

Introducing Reason Accordions - the hassle free, creativity sparking way of adding studio-grade accordion sounds to your mix. With Propellerhead Software’s ground breaking Hypersampling technique, we have captured these fine accordions in painstaking detail using state of the art equipment and instruments.

Too bad. Ernie Rideout would have been all over the Keyboard review, seriously. See, it used to be hard telling which 4/1 announcements were fake. Now it’s just hard keeping up. I think there were more product announcements yesterday (with a handful of real ones, for extra confusion) than on the first day of winter NAMM.

Then again, music tech announcements are often surreal as it is, so 4/1’s faux releases just seem like another average day.

Minimal techno pioneer, digital vinyl advocate, DJ superstar, and subject of a surrealist Internet parody and very popular joke t-shirt line Richie Hawtin is now evidently using Traktor and Traktor Scratch. So is Magda (of “make the tea” fame). So is Troy Pierce.

Gentle hint to NI’s DJ marketing: embrace it. Give us a special “Ubercoolische Edition” of Traktor Scratch. Heck, I’d buy one. I assume people in Berlin may also find it funny, given the influx of us Americans into their city. (If you have no idea what I’m talking about, read on.)

Internet memes aside, the real reason this is big news is that Hawtin was one of the DJs who threw his support behind digital vinyl with Stanton’s Final Scratch — the target market for NI with Traktor Scratch. (More recently, he used NI’s other rival — Serato Scratch Live. Thanks, Mateo.) Says Hawtin, “I find that Traktor is taking further steps forward while still remaining connected to the traditional DJ paradigm.” (Less connected to the traditional DJ paradigm, I think, are things like Ableton Live, which by its developers own admission was never originally conceived as a “DJ” program — for better or worse.) And jokes aside, I’m sure Hawtin can do some fun stuff with Traktor.

Richie Hawtin on Traktor, at Native Instruments

But I want to talk about something even more important: just as Hawtin’s label Minus Records is joining with NI for a world club tour for its 10th anniversary, the hilarious Ubercoolische site that parodies his minimalist lifestyle in Berlin is down. Happily, Google cache has preserved the white-wall apartment jokes for posterity (try a search). And you can still by the reflexive t-shirt. If anyone knows what happened to the site, let me know.

For old time’s sake, I’ve reproduced my favorite episode after the break, on Berthold Brecht. (Expletives left in for …effect.)

For the record, Magda thought it was funny, and apparently it was all in good fun because the authors of the site were fans (and actually booked the crew). You’ll know you’ve made it, too, when you’re the subject of a viral Internet parody.

Now that I’ve gotten this out of my system, next time I talk about Hawtin, Minus, or Traktor, I promise to be serious. But in the meantime:

Yes, it’s time to see (tongue-in-cheek, anyway) just how Fisher Price stands up to the competition in the crowded DJ gear market (thanks to producer Ean Golden from DJ Tech Tools for sending this our way):

The ground breaking MBRP-101 from Fisher Price is the best all in one music playback solution for mobile and club djs that need affordable and reliable performance. Visit http://www.djtechtools.com/?p=202 for more info and release dates on this exclusive release.

World Famous Dj Mei Lwun (5 time dade county YMCA battle champ) was kind enough to review the unit for us. Check him out at:
http://www.mei-lwun.com/

Brilliant. Of course, this being CDM, I fully expect:

• Commentary on the terrific tangible interfacing aspects of this design (seriously — look at the tactile quality, the module for storing records, the accessible interface, the minimal design, the bright colors)
• Someone to use this live
• Someone to hack this into a usable DJ controller — maybe adapting it to Ms. Pinky control vinyl, or putting sensors into the plastic tone arm

Brings back great memories as I used to play with this as a kid at day care. Oldskool Fisher Price was the greatest.